Ponta Grossa here I come!

Hey everyone, So I finally talked to my tia Ana in Ijui and she says that she is remodeling her bathroom for the next two weeks and its such a mess that she doesn't want me over. Also, she only has the one bathroom, so it would be quite an inconvenience to me to have to deal with that. We decided that she'll call when its just about over and then i'll come out. She expects it to be done by the 10th of May, but it could be a few more or less days. I'm a little bummed because I wanted to hang out there for longer, but I think it may be best, I can go out there for a week or so, and then come back to PortoBelo before leaving to go hang out with Ryan. And if I had a great time during that week and it seems like there is a lot to do there, I can easily return during the month of June, and that way I'll be free to stay as long as I want. So tomorrow, instead of going out to Ijui, I'm going with my uncle back to Ponta Grossa to hang out with family, go fishing, eat and drink more, and have some fun with my girl cousins. We leave at 7:00 so I'm going to keep this short, but if we make good time he said he'd drive me through Curitiba and do a mini sight-seeing adventure. I think it will be great fun, and yes, of course I'll take lots of pictures! We'll be coming back on Monday, so that means 4 days of not hearing from me via the blog. Have a great weekend! boa noite, Ana

my new 6-string

So ever since I got here I knew that I wanted to pick myself up a little guitar to play around on, pass time, praise God, and enjoy. Today Jorge and I bought one at this random store that basically sold everything from refridgerators, to rugs, to funiture, to clothes and yes... also instruments. I picked up this sweet, almost new acoustic with a case as well as extra strings, a pic, and the "official papers", which the lady who sold it to us made a huge point to point out. I got it all for R$160, which is about $70 and even though it doesn't play that well, its exactly what I wanted. Besides, I don't know if it doesn't sound great because I can't tune it that well by ear, or if it is actually the guitar´s fault. I AM excited though, I feel like it is already becoming an instrument of spreading God's word and drawing me closer to him. I was playing a little earlier and my uncle came in and listened, I was playing Third Day's song "Love Song", and even though he didn't understand the words, I think that soon it will be obvious that I play for God and not for anyone else. Although, he did said that he thought he could make millions off of me if I'd be willing to make a CD and let him be my producer... pretty funny. I'll be the next up-coming star by the time I leave! jking. ate mais!

Brasilian: For Sale

well, ladies and gents, I managed to nab myself a brasilian... and i can't manage to get rid of him. His name is Leandro, he's 25, and good looking. He can dance, and is on many levels the life of the party. Pitfalls are that when he dances with you, kisses are sure to follow, and when he thinks he's getting somewhere with all of his attention and kisses, he follows you around like a lost puppy. When you are trying to converse with other people he makes sure his presense is known by coming up behind you, giving you a kiss on the cheek, or neck, always expecting more, and takes blatant gestures of "get away from me" as "oh, she must like this". Further more, when you try to explain to him that you aren't interested, that you don't want a brasilian guy around, and would rather be by yourself he just says "why, don't you like me?" I guess i'm too nice and the appropriate answer should be, "no, I don't", but since I want to break it to him gently I say "well, yeah, but I don't want to be with you." I think I told him that at least 4 times (each time a little more forcefully) and all that did was keep him away for maybe a half an hour and then he'd go for another round. Oh, I guess that I should also say that the reason why communication doesn't work is because he talks incredibly mumbled and is one of the few people here that I can't understand "nem um pocinho" This ended up being a point of much laughter though, because I befriended another guy, Roberto, that noticed me in my dismay, and made a joke about it all. It definitely put a lighter side on my frustration and made my time more enjoyable. Oh, I might as well through out that we met at a party for my cousin's really good friend's birthday that was being held nextdoor. It started last night at 8:30, went until 6am, we slept till 10 and met up again at 11 to eat more... we hung out until about 7:00. Crazy times... my question of the night was "do you have parties like this in America?" Anyways, at this point, if anyone wants him, I'll happily sell Leandro to the highest bidder (even if I have to pay a few reais to take him off my hands) and also if anyone wants to be my fictitious boyfriend in the US that would be really angry when he found out about all of this I'd love that too. ate mais, beijos e abraços, Ana (craving: spaghetti, 3 bug bites: 2 of which on my face!, 77 degres F)

on a more serious note...

Memories come to me at the strangest of times... Tonight we were sitting around the table with a CD playing in the background that was basically america´s top hits of the 80´s played on flutes. As I listened, a favorite: "take my breath away" from top gun comes on, my mind is flooded with memories of freshman year of college, our favorite minutes of the movie: the volleyball scene being one of them. All of the sudden I hear the word "tampax" and click into the conversation... the neighbors were telling vania's mom to stick a tampon in her ear to hear better... I´m so tired of the comparisons, and bashing america like it is the worst thing in the world, like brasil has no problems whatsoever, asking me questions about gays in the US, our night life, how much my friends or people I know do drugs, assuming so much about me (I don't like to go out, I want a brasilian boyfriend, I like to go to bed early... ). And with all of this talk, Caesar and his wife smoking cigarette after cigarette, my brain hitting a point where I can hardly think because of the smoke and alcohol being passed around the table, Jorge and Caesar talking about how messed up the world is, America especially... as they do during almost every meal, I realize how this is really all they have to talk about. I am with them when they spend time together generally, and its always the same, after two weeks I'm already bored of their talk, tired of them bashing america, tired of the cloud of smoke that follows them, tired of the other neighbor, Marisa, who only yells when she talks (hello! I'm right here! speak quieter!), I am beginning to want to just yell at the top of my lungs : THERE IS SO MUCH MORE! So much more than smoking, eating, and drinking. so much more than american politics, than stupid presidents, than the war in iraq. How about how you are doing, what about heart issues, what about things that are going on in our lives. Why don't we let the things that matter show the most? Its in times like this that I miss my church community so much because I feel that with my christian family is where real life happens... life away from Christ is just hours passing you by, waiting for the inevitable to happen. I've found more counsel in my bible in the past few days than I have in months and years past. Other books I brought with me (the chronicles of narnia, mere christianity) are becoming insignificant to the interest I have in reading His word... that is where I can find life, He is my source... I'm thankful for this time of darkness because it is now that I long for the light... and I think that, as more and more of my comforts are taken away, that longing is going to become greater every moment.

its a wonder i'm not fat already

today is yet another holiday. We celebrated O Dia de Tiradentes, the man who began the revolution to free brasil from portugal, and like all other holidays, it was mostly marked by the massive amounts of eating that were to be had. We ate a whole ton of muscles for lunch, made paella style with rice and vegetables... it was awesome. After 3 hours of eating, guests left and we decided to watch a movie, I fell asleep halfway through (because with eating came drinking alike) and then my uncle woke me up and told me to go to bed... woke up at 6:30 to find out we were going to the neighbors for churrasco... meat fest... we just returned from it... 5 more hours of eating... I feel like I need to go on a marathon of a run or something if I'm going to get out of brasil in one, slender and cute, piece.

beauty everywhere...

Today I had the pleasure of sitting in the backyard for 2 hours to bake in the sun, reading the remainder of “The horse and his boy” and, my favorite part, observing the local birds going in and out of the bird house that is on one side of the yard. I especially liked the buzzing of two humming birds (portuguese: beijaflor... means flower kisser) around the bird feeder, zipping by overhead, chasing after one another, and having, what appeared to be a good time, if you were a humming bird. Their speed and sleakness amazed me... it was fun to envision what it would be like to be their great creator... figuring out how to make tiny wings flap so quickly, getting them to hover mid-air while feeding on a flower... pretty cool. After baking, I decided to hit up a walk on the beach and once again was stunned by its beauty and calm. The tide was way out, and so were the sea gulls feeding on shellfish and playing in the surf. It was fun to observe the way the water trickled through the sand on its way out to sea, making cool designs with the darker sediment and the lighter, sparklier sand. Its nice on some levels to have life slow down so much as to get to see these little things. I don’t think that I’ve taken this much time to observe nature and the more I observe the closer I feel I am to the heart of God. Somehow seeing His creation helps me to understand the delicacy and thought he put into making me. The way he clothes the lilies of the field, or the hillsides of porto belo, helps me to see the beauty that is within me, underneath the things I hold onto for control, even more so, recognizing that the lilies and hillsides don’t put effort into how they look on the outside... I think I need to let him clothe me in his love and care rather than the things that I think should be on the outside. Its a hard life, I know... Missing you all terribly, Feliz Anniversario Pai

weighing my options...

These past two days have been lazy, but productive simultaneously. Last night I went with Vânia to her evening class, to which I will be teaching english, and observed how it is run. It was a fun class, there were only about 8 students there, but there are actually 16 signed up for the class. The group is a mix, age range of mid-20s to the eldest being 54, and they are all very nice and were very patient with me as I tried to converse with them. Although I’m taking the night off from going again with Vânia, I will probably make a habit of it 2-3 times a week. This morning Vânia and I went to meet with the director of the school since I have to go through her to teach, and, while we were there, she basically gave me the liberty to teach as many kids as I want as often as I want also. Its an exciting opportunity, but I really feel like I don´t really know what i´m getting myself into. I’m technically supposed to work out of this book that is a part of their curriculum that has english lessons in it, but I think that the lessons are really not very complete. Not like I expect the students to be fluent with me automatically, but I would expect you to teach students how to say “good night” in the same lesson as “good morning” and “good aftenoon” for example, but then again, its not like many americans really going around to everyone saying “good afternoon so and so”. Basically I don’t know what I should do, and if teaching these lessons is what is for me, since speaking english is a huge commodity around here... then I should do it, but I feel like I need a little more guidance than that. Also to think about is the fact that I don’t think I see myself hanging out around here the whole time. I love the beach, but I really think that Ijui has more for me. Although, on the other hand, I don’t want to be selfish and go to Ijui just because it would be easier. Obviously the easy road isn’t what we are generally called to do, and although I may have a very major place in Ijui I don’t want to choose it as an easy way out. When we met with the director of the school, Vânia also mentioned to her that I would like to find someone to help me with portuguese, so if one is located, then it may be harder and harder for me to pull myself away. I mentioned that to Vânia, and she basically said that people would love to have me for as little or as much as possible. I just feel that its a hard call to make. I would really appreciate a bit of prayer for all of this. I feel a pull away from the beach, but more reasons to stay are arising. And Vânia told me today that we would go to church together on Sunday, so there is one more thing... I do feel like my being here is great spiritually for her... she doesn’t get to recognize God’s presence in her life in her normal day-to-day life... Jorge and Marcos are no help to her, and I feel a very strong spiritual connection that I don’t want to fade right now. I want to make the right choice: one that is both good for me and also beneficial to those around me. The right choice isn’t the one that is going to be easiest for me necessarily, nor is it necessarily the hard way option either. I hope that throughout my day, as I´m reading, praying, thinking, walking along the beach, God would somehow speak to me... in a booming thunder or a still small voice... either way though, I want it to be clear so I can be sure that I’m picking the right path. Thanks you guys... Beijos e abraços Ana (giving up on the running tally of my weight, no scale is to be found here. Craving: Peanut Butter, 5 bug bites, one on my forehead, 79 degrees)

info: checking out my pictures

rafinha
Originally uploaded by ana.brasileira.

Hey all, I'm using Flickr to post photos, so if you want to check them out I think all you have to do is click on the link below this picture and it will link it to others of mine. by the way, this is my cousin's new baby rafael... he~s possibly the cutest thing i~ve ever seen...

I love Brasil and my family!

I think that the most fun part about this weekend was the ability to reflect on how much brasil is not like the united states and how great my family is down here. We left Thursday morning on the 5 hour drive to Ponta Grossa where a huge pchunk of our family lives. Immediately as we set into the groove of things on the road I was able to relax a little and observe so many comparisons that are just mind-boggling on some levels but really enjoyable on others and also noticed all sorts of fun things about my family that I LOVE while we spent the weekend together! I got a real feel for what Lifehouse means in their song “breathe” when they sing ‘waiting for your scraps to fall off of your table to the ground’. When we first arrived in Ponta Grossa we went to my cousins house and had a barbeque. Their dog, Kiki would wait so patiently for the smallest piece of fat or charred meat or anything she could get. I learned about why my cousin Marcos’s hair is unusually short... he and a bunch of his friends shaved their heads to support their friend with cancer. I got to get an earful about the different churches in the Porto Belo neighborhood... my tia vania had a lot to say about them all. She said the hardest thing about trying to get her family to go with her is that the one that is the most normal seeming to her only has about 10 members the rest sound like they are full of holy rollers. Upon leaving Zina’s house, her...well basically husband, but they aren’t married... Rafael came out with a beer and passed it around while we were all in the car before we drove over to visit with more family. I was told that I am far more brasilian in looks and mannerisms than my cousin Tanya (who has spent a significant chunk of her life in brasil). That I will always be able to get away with people thinking I am because I look the part, can play the part, and, if I learn how to speak portuguese well, I may even be able to pull off sounding right too. It was a huge compliment. Rafael also complimented me on being the first american he’s met that fit in, could be brasilian and that he liked a lot... he said I was very “Legal” which is basically cool in street speak. On the topic of speakin’ street I found out that the reason I have a really hard time understanding when young people talk is that they have slang for everything... for example, a cute guy is a gato, which to most people learning portuguese means cat. I had the hardest time when my cousin patricia told me about how we should go out and meet some cute gatos at night, I was like “cats? Why would we go out to see cats?” it was only after I was showing her pictures of my friends on myspace that I figured it out... by the way Ryan Wink... you are a gatinho lindo (cute little cat... it ranks high... trust me) Our daily schedule went something like this: 8-9 breakfast, 9-12 snack, lay around, drink tea, 12-4 lunch, 4-7 snack, lay around, drink beer, 7-10 dinner, 10--- snack, lay around, drink more beer, sleep. My tia natalia is incredibly impressed with how well I speak portuguese, she held my face in her hands and would say things like “Thank God! You are beautiful and healthy and now we can talk to each other!” And there are also funny things about how things are in brasil. The fact that my 1 1\2 year old cousin just climbs around on the seats when we drive places, the fact that Rafael will drink a beer as we drive somewhere and when I asked him about it he says ‘eh, i know the cops, they don~t care”. And that works the same for wearing seatbelts... on the highway they are on, but in towns... and i mean the very moment you are in town you take it off. It was a good Easter. Although we didn~t go to church I felt like my time was still spent reflecting on everything Christ has done for us. The family still prayed before meals, and we prayed before startin gon the road. I had some good talks about church and easter with different family members. It was great and wonderful, and although not what I’m used to, the reason I came down here was to experience something different, so no need to grovel over wishing it were normal. For kind of an update on everything else... my portuguese is getting better. I~m pretty good at having one on one conversations with people, it gets exponentially harder when i’m in a room full of poeple all jabbering about different things. I’m wishing I could learn verb tenses faster... I’m finding that I’m Ok at present, past and future, but when I want to talk about things I should do, or could do or might do I just get confused and have to pass the sentence up. I’m still doing good on my goals. Although I feel like I could pass on eating for about 3 days straight, my pants still fit, and I haven’t hooked up with any gatos like my cousins were talking about doing last night... so it looks like i’m home free till I visit again... but I do plan on visiting, so we’ll see how it goes. Feliz Pascoa! Ana (probably about .5 kg heavier, 3 bug bites, two of them right on my hand, 73 degrees F)

its a rough life on the beach...

porto belo beach
Originally uploaded by ana.brasileira.

I figure its time to show you all a picture of the beautiful place that I get to call home. This is basically the best part of it all... the beach, which is also quickly becoming my sanctuary. I have been coming here daily: to run, to walk, to think, to pray, to sing, to splash my toes in the warm water of the atlantic, or all of these at once (although i suppose running and walking at the same time would be hard to do). I haven´t gone swimming yet, although I´m sure that it will happen pretty soon.
Last night I went running at dusk and it was much more beautiful than this. At night the beach is basically a sidewalk, everyone comes out to walk, there are even streetlights on the beach and it was just amazing yesterday with pink skies, and people enjoying the slow life down here. I´ll be sure to take a picture at dusk some time for all of you since it is truly a sight to behold. Funny thing happened when I was running though. I told myself that I was only going to go for 20 minutes, but when I got to my 10 minute turning around point I was so close to the end of the beach (opposite direction of picture) that I figured that I´d go the whole way. Because I did this I had to run pretty hard back because I told Jorge and Vania to come looking for me if I didn´t come back in 30 minutes. I was doing pretty good at beating the clock, but when I turned the corner, off of the beach onto the 2 blocks back to the house I was pretty darn tired. I´m running by a few houses that have dogs barking at me, but knowing that they were all within their fences I didn´t think anything of it... until I heard one right behind me! I started running as fast as I could because I didn´t know what type of dog it was and it was catching up... it gets right on my heals and I look behind me (at this point i´m envisioning a huge dog) and there is this little tiny dog that really thinks its tough stuff. I felt like such an idiot, but at least the last two blocks of my run were fast and strong :-)

I asked my aunt Vania about getting a portuguese tutor today and she gave me this huge hug and said "I´ll tutor you!" and then she showed me all of these work books I can go through etc. I think its great that she´s so willing, but really she´s the only person out of my uncle, cousin and her that will really have a conversation with me in portuguese. So it would be nice to get out of the house, have a little companionship for an hour each afternoon and get to know someone new. She said that if I really want to pay for someone to help me she would ask around. I think what I may do is just work on a few of these work books on my own when she´s not around and get my talking out when she is. I´m thinking pretty seriously about going to visit my tia Ana in a few weeks, so maybe then, after I´ve really gotten my bearings I´ll look around Ijui where she lives and go to the language school there where I know they could help me. I´m overall feeling pretty good about how quickly i´m catching on though... eventhough i´m constantly in my room looking words up and jotting down what they mean, I feel like my overall progress is pretty good and I should stop being so hard on myself...I have only been here for 3 days, I think for that short of time I´m doing pretty well.

I think that´s about it. We leave early tomorrow to go to Ponta Grossa, have a long weekend with family and celebrate easter. I probably won´t be back online until monday.

take care all,
Ana (assuming no weight gained/lost, but my stomach has been stretched out a few times; 4 bug bites, 66 degrees F, but its night right now, I´d say it was about 80 at the hottest part of the day)

ps: sorry about the funky format... i tried a new way of posting and it turned out weird... won´t do it again...

an anecdote...

I forgot to write this in my post yesterday. You know how when you are little and are playing on an escalator, your mom generally will tell you "don´t goof off, you´ll fall and your hair will get caught and you´ll get hurt?" well, maybe it was just my mom, or the fact that I had long hair, but anyways, when I was in the airport in Sao Paulo I overheard the Brazilian equivalent. I was behind a mom and her little girl on the escalator as the little girl put her hand up against the side of it and let it slide by. Her mom told her " stop it, you´ll become like Aleijadinho." well, the reason that this is funny, is that Aleijadinho is one of the most famous artists in Brazil, mostly famous for the fact that he had a medical condition that prevented him from using his hands (I think it was leprosy). He created his work by having people strap tools to his wrists. Anyways, I thought it was entertaining to hear the rationale that Brasilians have for things...

Today has been kinda slow, went shopping in the morning and then had a barbeque for lunch and now i've just been watching american movies with portuguese subtitles for the last few hours. Its actually a pretty good way to learn words, and I feel like I´m picking up on it alright, although I still regularly get confused. I´m going to try to get the ball rolling on getting a portuguese tutor maybe tomorrow. oh, and also nice: all of the vegetables that we eat here my uncle grows in the back yard... so although i´m eatting like crazy, at least there´s no pesticides :) -Ana (0kg, 1 bug bite, 77 degrees F)

miracles already...

I guess the best way to start this, my first post from Brasil is to say that I made it safe and sound. My flights were long, and at first, the possibility of not making my flight to Chigaco made me incredibly anxious.
Since I was flying standby, I only would get a seat on the plane if there was enough space for me. I was waiting and waiting and waiting... the lady at the check in counter said that the flight was overbooked by 8 people and there was only one extra spot in first class. As I waited at the terminal, the stewardesses were constantly saying to be patient because this is a booked flight. I started to feel a little overwhelmed, wondering if I was going to have to go through my goodbyes all over again, somewhat anticipating my own bed, but knowing that it would be an incredible hassle to have to rearrange flight times and so much more. Finally, as most of the passengers for the flight were already on the plane, my name was called. I go up to the stewardess and ask, in a questioning tone: `Did I make the flight?´and she says, -Its a miracle, but yes, you did make the flight. There was only one place open, and you´re it.
I was in the absolute last row in the plane, but at this point the fact that I was going to make it to Brasil was enough to make me SO thankful. And I got to sit next to two interesting people: one whose best friend´s daughter had a cerebral hemorrage and was telling me all about her recover and the other has a son who is going into Physical Therapy. Those two facts alone kept the conversation going for some time and before we knew it we were in Chicago.
The flight to Sao Paulo was uneventful. I didn´t get first class on this flight either (like I was assured I would) but I did get a second seat next to me, I was able to stretch out a little and sleep well enough that I haven´t napped since my plane rolled in a few hours ago.
To get to Florianopolis I had to take a bus across town to the other airport and one thing struck me - hard. I was noticing that just looking either direction from the windows on the bus it was hard to tell if you were in the slums or a nice city. on the one side poverty was just spilling from every building, on the other nicely trimmed lawns and buildings. It was such a stark contrast, its hard to imagine that there haven´t been efforts to conform it to some extent.
My last leg of the trip was fun too. I met a man who is an argentinian living in brasil who also spoke great english. He´s the president of a major ´pump company´here he said that they put in the pump that makes water pressure good. He seemed nice and said that if I find myself in trouble when I´m traveling around to give him a call and he could help me out.
As far as Porto Belo where I currently reside, its nicer than I remember it being, and I have a decent room with a double bed, a bookshelf and a dresser with a mirror on it. I think it will make for a good escape if I need to get away for some quiet. Tomorrow Jorge and Vania (my uncle and aunt) are going to take me shopping in the morning so I can get things I need and probably things I don´t. This weekend we go to Ponta Grossa where more family live to celebrate easter. It looks like finding a church around here will have to wait, but at least I get to see this part of my family, which I´m really excited about.

oh, a funny thing my uncle told me that is worth noting, at least for a laugh. We were talking politics on the way home about how crappy american government is. He mentioned that he really liked Clinton minus his affair with Monica Chupinsky. I said, don´t you mean Lewinsky? and he says no, Chupinsky. Chupar in portuguese means to suck. get it? Chupinsky? hahaha... anyways, I´ll update again in a few days.

-Ana (0 kg, 1 bug bite, 25 degrees C)

i know its just a statue...

christ
Originally uploaded by ana.brasileira.

but really, to me, it is so much more. I love this picture (which I scanned from a post card) because it illustrates to me how Christ is always the quiet observer in our lives. You can look up and see that He's there, you can feel his presense, but only when you are ready to accept him does he begin to intervene, turn your eyes to him and help you to see his perspective.

moving up river...

Many times as I sit in church during the sermon, I feel like the words Richard, or Phil, or Chris, or Matt... or any number of the amazing speakers at our church, are saying really hit home. This morning was one of those.
As I grabbed the bulliten out of my purse this morning when I got home, I began to read what it said on the front flap and realized how much more perfect the words Richard shared are. The front flap says:

"Have you ever spent a night out under the stars? Some do by choice, others by necessity. Either way, there's something about being in direct contact with the earth, void of the comforts and security of shelter, that's powerful. One's senses are tuned and there's an awareness of both beauty and danger that is powerful. But wether we're out for a night or a week, whether for backpacking or to fight a war, most of us go back inside at some point.
"Somehow, it's the inside living that deadens the senses. Inside, we're comfortable, but a little numb. The calling to those whose senses are deadened, to the complacent, the bored, and the comfortable is this: Remember Abraham. He tossed everything aside, left his country, and went out. It was there, while he was out, that he learned dependency. He was alternately afraid, and at rest, trusting and doubting, questioning and certain. And that, we're told, is the kind of journey each of us must take, at the very least in our hearts, whether or not we leave home or not."

Although Richard made a point to say that you don't need to leave home, I'm thankful that I get to. I thankful that I, like Abraham, have the opportunity to leave everything here, leave my country, and just go. I'm thankful yet pensive, excited yet fearful, peacful yet anxious, trusting yet questioning. Although I completely recognize that place in me that is dead, complacent, bored, and comfortable. I'm ready to be completely thrown out of my comfort zone, put on the edge and forced to hold on for God for everything he's got. I'm immensely excited to know Christ more fully, but apprehensive because I know He's going to show me things that I know I'm going to want to kick and scream over: run from the pain of knowing that branches need to be pruned if I'm going to know Christ more fully and be what he had in mind when he made me. So I'm going to accept that pain, that brokeness, that hurt knowing that he has so much better for me than I could imagine.
My waters are polluted, but He is the source. I will move up stream, drink in purer waters and continue my journey knowing that the closer I get to him, the more uncontaminated that water is, the more sustaining it is, the more refreshing it is, the more I realize how good the source is.

jesus, be the center, be my source, be my light, jesus...