Its what's on the inside that counts?

So I've been thinking a lot about what separates me, as a christian in the 21st century, from every other moral non-christian out there. It may be what's on the inside that counts, but it seems like I don't live my life in a way that expresses Christ living in me on the outside.

I don't feel like my relationship with Christ is me following a list of rules, but clearly, he asks me to live differently. So how do I outwardly live my life differently? Well, I don´t cuss, but I say things that are still mean and hurtful, I don´t get beligerently drunk, although I do drink plenty of beer/alcohol, I've abstained from sex, but i've gone plenty far in that department in my life, I go to church, but so do a lot of people who claim to be christians but don´t live the life at all. It seems like on the outside, I am just like every other person out there who is trying to be moral.

But I know I´m not, Christ lives in me, he is supposed to be my everything, but are the words "supposed to be" what´s tripping me up? I know that when I´ve been crazy about past boyfriends, I couldn't stop talking about them, was writing their names on my notes in class, they were the last thing I thought about before i fell asleep and the first thing i thought about when i woke up, I would depend on them, talk to them every day, feel like something was missing if I didn't. But its not that way with my relationship with christ. I can go for days without much more than a thought of him and I don't even worry about it. So, I guess the real question is much do I love Christ? Do I love him like a lover? Do I love him like a father? Do I love him like a hero? I need to love him in all of these ways. After all, he loves me perfectly, unconditionally, and won't leave me...ever. He is my father, he guides my steps, and ultimately, he is my hero. He died for me, I get to be forgiven again and again. So if this is all true, and he is the most amazing thing for me, then what stops me from screaming his name from the hilltops, from writing his name in the sand, from clinging to him for my every breath, from living my life differently because he lives in me? that my friends, is the question I´m currently trying to answer. And hopefully, I will grow to love him more and more and find out the answer as I continue my journey.

blessings,
Ana

(5 bug bites, craving: mac and jack´s, temperature: 20C)